Tag Archives: toilet paper

Fun in public bathrooms.


Yesterday, my boyfriend took me to the Rainforest CafĂ© for an early Valentine’s Day lunch. As usual, part of the day included a visit to a public ladies room.

The idea of public bathrooms confuses me. Whether or not you get a clean stall is basically a crap shoot (pun only slightly intended). Depending on how busy the bathroom is and how bad you have to go, you might get stuck going into a stall with a toilet seat covered in, oh, let’s say five different bodily fluids.

Even with that knowledge, I understand I’m there for a purpose. I lay down some toilet paper on the seat and get to work. Still, there’s something that happens in public bathrooms that absolutely makes my skin crawl, and it takes place while you’re sitting in the stall.

Sorry, this isn’t about glory holes … and I probably shouldn’t have written that in this post. God knows I already get some weird people floating in from Google searches. (Remember the exploding possums?) Who knows. Maybe I’m going to reach an entirely new level of readership because of that.

Here’s where I’m going with this:

Probably the worst thing to happen to me when I’m sitting on the toilet in a public restroom is that I go to get some toilet paper and the roll goes crazy. Then it happens.

The toilet paper hits the floor.

No matter how big of an environmentalist you are, when you see that toilet paper touch the floor you immediately rip it off and throw it away. And then it gets worse, because sometimes you’re only leaving yourself with a few squares.

Honestly, who would use floor toilet paper? I don’t even like to think about the bottom of my pants leg touching the floor in a public restroom. There’s no way I’m going to use toilet paper that touches it.

Probably the worst part is that as it’s unrolling and you begin to realize the toilet paper is going to touch the filthy, germ-laden floor, you experience one of those horrific slow-motion NOOOOOOO moments.

What’s even worse is when you catch yourself yelling out loud, “Nooooooooooooooooooo!” Can you imagine what the person next to you is thinking? Actually, hold that … the person next to you probably isn’t thinking. They’re probably just focusing on trying not to let their toilet paper touch the floor.

Someone needs to figure out some kind of toilet paper allotment system that can help with this problem.

Let’s go over this once more: the floor in a public bathroom is extremely dirty. When people say, “That floor is so clean you could eat off it,” they are not talking about the floor in a public bathroom.

I once saw a woman letting her toddler walk around and put its hands all over the floor in a public bathroom, and had to stop to think if I was on one of those “What Would You Do?” segments on ABC. Should I tell her that her kid is probably contracting smallpox, or should I just walk away and let her learn a hard lesson in parenting?

The Daily Post suggestion for today inquires as to one thing I’ve learned recently. In response to that I would like to say,

Fool, I ain’t done no learnin’! I graduated in December! I’m finished with that crap (for now)!
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