Category Archives: Ranting

Eggplant panties.

I opened my blog up for topic suggestions again.

The first came from Whitney: “going broke buying organic food because it’s ‘better.'”

The second is from Tori: “Underwear.”

The third came from me: “Using organic food as underwear?”

If there are two things I think are too expensive, it’s underwear and organic food.

But I can’t really seem to make these things work together, at least not in terms of a productive post. I do, however, have a story for you about underwear. So sit back (Tori) and enjoy. Your request is granted.

I don’t buy a lot of expensive underwear. I have a price limit set in my head for certain things so I don’t spend too much or go over my budget for each month. Most of these price limits are set on clothes, but it extends out to food, drinks, movies, CDs, memberships to organizations, and more things of which I probably haven’t even thought yet.

I broke my underwear price limit right before Christmas, and in return that item broke yesterday.

I hadn’t shopped at Victoria’s Secret in a long time, and I went with my friend Kelsay (suggester of this post) when she needed some new underroos. When I walked into the store I promised myself that I wouldn’t buy anything.

The last thing I purchased there was a strapless bra that turned out to be a total nightmare because it was — get ready for this — just a giant sticker. Girls with boobs over a B cup should not be wearing sticker bras. Sorry.

As I walked through the store and helped her pick out a couple of things, I saw a really cute bra that really seemed to fit my style. It was adorable, with stars and black straps and a satin-y fabric. The only problem seemed to be that it cost $52. However, after walking around a bit and looking at several other bras, I decided that I deserved it. It was my graduation present to myself.

Since purchasing the bra, I’ve worn it maybe five times. I’m terrified to wash it, and it’s the only bra I’ve ever owned that I don’t put in the dryer; I hang it up instead.

So you can imagine my dismay when I pulled the damn thing from the washer yesterday, hung it up to dry, went to put it on and found that one of the hooks is bent. In fact, it’s so badly bent that I can no longer wear the bra.

Thanks for nothing, Victoria’s Secret. Thanks for a bra I wore about five times before it broke. Thanks for making adorable, $52 underwear that isn’t as durable as my $35 bra from Lane Bryant. Most of all, thanks for proving to me that my budgeting works.

I’m super careful when it comes to money, and as a result I like to be especially careful with how I spend it. Every purchase is precious when you have $22 in your checking account, so that bra just kind of made me go off the deep end.

I have resolved to question every purchase I make with the kind of care I use when editing an article.

I bought a new type of deodorant, Dove Smoothing Effects or some such nonsense, and it makes my armpits smell like dry cat food by the end of the day, so I’m not going to buy it anymore.

I bought a new type of shampoo — actually, a shampoo/conditioner combo. It’s Herbal Essences, so I thought it would be of pretty high quality. I was wrong. It’s not of high quality. It leaves my hair flat and lifeless, which is odd considering it should be adding volume. My hair is flat and lifeless without the shampoo. I paid about $5 for that at Target, then went and bought a $1.50 bottle of Suave instead. The Suave works better. Go figure.

So now we come to the organic foods. Contrary to what we talked about on Facebook, I cannot condone using organic foods as underwear. Sometimes I have to take a stand, and right now I’m going to take a stand against organic edible panties. If anything wearable is going to be made organic, it should be candy necklaces. If you pay $7 for one eggplant, you should eat it in a grand way, not slice it up to use as pasties.

Any way you slice it — har har — I just can’t rationalize paying more money for something that essentially is the same as something else. And I don’t think I’m wrong. If you can prove to me that organic foods are worth the money Whole Foods wants me to spend on them, then by all means give me your proof. Until then, I will continue to buy locally-grown produce over something “organic” that’s grown in another state.

Wow … this post really is all over the place, isn’t it?

So what say you, readers? What’s the worst purchase you’ve ever made?


Fun in public bathrooms.

Yesterday, my boyfriend took me to the Rainforest Café for an early Valentine’s Day lunch. As usual, part of the day included a visit to a public ladies room.

The idea of public bathrooms confuses me. Whether or not you get a clean stall is basically a crap shoot (pun only slightly intended). Depending on how busy the bathroom is and how bad you have to go, you might get stuck going into a stall with a toilet seat covered in, oh, let’s say five different bodily fluids.

Even with that knowledge, I understand I’m there for a purpose. I lay down some toilet paper on the seat and get to work. Still, there’s something that happens in public bathrooms that absolutely makes my skin crawl, and it takes place while you’re sitting in the stall.

Sorry, this isn’t about glory holes … and I probably shouldn’t have written that in this post. God knows I already get some weird people floating in from Google searches. (Remember the exploding possums?) Who knows. Maybe I’m going to reach an entirely new level of readership because of that.

Here’s where I’m going with this:

Probably the worst thing to happen to me when I’m sitting on the toilet in a public restroom is that I go to get some toilet paper and the roll goes crazy. Then it happens.

The toilet paper hits the floor.

No matter how big of an environmentalist you are, when you see that toilet paper touch the floor you immediately rip it off and throw it away. And then it gets worse, because sometimes you’re only leaving yourself with a few squares.

Honestly, who would use floor toilet paper? I don’t even like to think about the bottom of my pants leg touching the floor in a public restroom. There’s no way I’m going to use toilet paper that touches it.

Probably the worst part is that as it’s unrolling and you begin to realize the toilet paper is going to touch the filthy, germ-laden floor, you experience one of those horrific slow-motion NOOOOOOO moments.

What’s even worse is when you catch yourself yelling out loud, “Nooooooooooooooooooo!” Can you imagine what the person next to you is thinking? Actually, hold that … the person next to you probably isn’t thinking. They’re probably just focusing on trying not to let their toilet paper touch the floor.

Someone needs to figure out some kind of toilet paper allotment system that can help with this problem.

Let’s go over this once more: the floor in a public bathroom is extremely dirty. When people say, “That floor is so clean you could eat off it,” they are not talking about the floor in a public bathroom.

I once saw a woman letting her toddler walk around and put its hands all over the floor in a public bathroom, and had to stop to think if I was on one of those “What Would You Do?” segments on ABC. Should I tell her that her kid is probably contracting smallpox, or should I just walk away and let her learn a hard lesson in parenting?

The Daily Post suggestion for today inquires as to one thing I’ve learned recently. In response to that I would like to say,

Fool, I ain’t done no learnin’! I graduated in December! I’m finished with that crap (for now)!

Clichés are getting old.

“Expect the unexpected”? What does that even mean? Once you expect something, it instantly makes it expected, regardless of whether or not you know exactly what is coming. The fact of the matter is, you alter the unexpected immediately with your expecting. Good job. You’ve ruined the surprise for everyone.

I saw this on a Facebook profile for someone who will remain nameless. It was one of this person’s status updates. If you are that person, and you are reading this now, and your face is beginning to feel really hot because it’s flushed because you hate me now, read this and know that when people utter mindless clichés without first considering the implications of their actions, everyone loses.

While we’re on the topic of annoying things, I’m sure everyone else has noticed how obnoxious the new version of chain letter has become.

You know what I mean: you log on to Facebook, and one of your friends has posted something like this:

“Every day, 5,984 children die of gonorrhea. You could die of gonorrhea too, if you had it. Studies show that 90 percent of people on Facebook will not repost this, so prove those studies wrong. Re-post as your status to prove you care about children.”

Holy God. Really?

When I log on to Facebook, I do so to play Family Feud and have meaningless conversations with people I barely know. I also like to look at pictures of people and try to guess how many photos were taken while intoxicated.

But I do not want to get a guilt trip about little kids with gonorrhea.

There are also the people who think they are making a statement by posting something like this:

“In the next 24 hours, 9,371 people will die as a result of dragon attacks. Do your part: spread dragon awareness and re-post this as your status.”

I get it. It’s supposed to be ironic, right? Well, it’s not. It’s annoying. I remember the first time I saw that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.

Perhaps the most annoying part of this trend is how horrible it makes me feel. I want to help small children with gonorrhea and men who are being eaten by dragons, but I can’t do anything except re-post a stupid status update? At least give me a link to a charity.

It also bothers me that I’m so cynical about it, but I guess after having to do mandatory volunteer work while in college (not because I was in trouble; it was required of all students) I understand how actually getting out and doing something will make an impact.

Also, what’s the deal with pants? Why do we have to wear them? So annoying, right?

What’s the most annoying thing you see on Facebook? Tell me about it, and perhaps I’ll try to come up with something funny in response.

Another belated rant.

Following my late revelation of Joaquin Phoenix’s intentions in becoming a rapper, I swore to myself that I would try to stay more up to date. However, I must write about this, because it is still relatively timely, and hopefully someone reads it and understands what I’m trying to convey.

Let me begin the rant by saying that I hate the Ed Hardy line of clothing. I think it is garish and tacky. I have never been a big fan of wearing a label instead of wearing an article of clothing, and Ed Hardy promotes just that. Their motto should be, “Wear our clothes so people know how much you spent.” I think the straw that broke the camel’s back in this case was when I went to the Sawgrass Mall and saw Ed Hardy in every storefront. I attempted to escape by ducking into Bed Bath & Beyond — only to be confronted by Ed Hardy bedroom accessories.

“Honey, you sleep on Ed tonight, I’m going to sleep on Hardy.”

Moving forward, I’m also not a big fan of the TLC show Jon and Kate Plus 8. Thankfully the show is now nearly defunct, so I won’t have to avoid watching TLC programming in order to avoid watching terrifying commercials of two completely overwhelmed human beings (Jon and Kate Gosselin) chasing their brood of children (Plus 8). The show, which has been a suprisingly big hit, is in my opinion popular because it follows the lives of this family as they attempt to maintain some semblance of normalcy in a situation that is undoubtedly abnormal to American culture.

When TMZ came out with the pictures of Jon with another woman and Kate responded in turn by telling him on national television that they should separate, I rejoiced. I thought to myself, “Good. Now I won’t have to listen to people talk about how saintly those two are for staying together and coping with their eight rugrats.” WRONG. The debate soon turned to a discussion of whether or not Kate deserved it. This line of thinking is completely irrational. There is never any call for cheating. No matter how poorly she treated him — and yes, I did watch two episodes, which was enough to witness her berating him at a birthday party and then again at an amusement park — extramarital affairs should not have played into the equation. Especially since they had to have known that it would play out on a national level.

Now we bring things up to the current situation. Jon Gosselin will be designing a line of children’s clothing for Christian Audigier, the man behind Ed Hardy. I think this may be the best move that Audigier has ever made. He has hired a man famous for insemination and philandering to create a line of clothing for kids, which will then be modeled by — who else? — the original source of the new hire’s fame. Not only that, but now Mr. Gosselin, who was married to Mrs. Gosselin for 10 years, has taken up smoking, gotten his ears pierced and begun dating the daughter of the plastic surgeon who performed a tummy tuck on his soon-to-be-ex-wife in 2006. It makes me wonder if a contract or agreement was signed with Audigier before all of this cheating nonsense that prevented Audigier from pulling out of the deal before the divorce was announced.

I also can’t help but think about what must be going through the heads of the children right now. The older ones must be aware of the negative attention, and it’s not exactly something that has gone down quietly or privately. Every last detail has been broadcast across the world. I hope they get the opportunity to truly be children and can put all of this behind them to grow up in a positive atmosphere.

Maybe I’m behind the times….

I’m just really starting to pay attention to this Joaquin Phoenix debacle, so I’m coming in with the perspective of not really following the saga from the beginning.

What I have gathered so far is that he’s decided to become a rapper. Got that. I heard about it on TMZ a while ago, before all of the recent hullabaloo. I thought it an odd choice at the time, but if that’s what makes him happy, then best of luck to him.

What I’m starting to think now is that he’s pulling a very Andy Kaufman-esque stunt. Kaufman, who appeared on several TV shows in the ’70s and ’80s,  was known for his antics, including a stint in professional wrestling and the abrasiveness of his somewhat alter ego, Tony Clifton. I’m seeing major parallels here. Especially since Casey Affleck has been following Phoenix around with a video camera recording all of his stunts.

From his awkward appearance on the Late Show to his most recent outing that included a brawl at his performance in Miami, Phoenix is building up amazing word of mouth. He is inciting conversation, and people are genuinely interested in what he’s doing. I think this is the best celebrity PR scheme since Kaufman entered the wrestling world.

Whether you are angry, enthralled or mystified, Phoenix is developing his name and his brand. People who never paid him any attention know who he is. After Phoenix’s erratic appearance on the Late Show, Ben Stiller graced the stage at the Academy Awards dressed as Phoenix, and did a hilarious impersonation that makes me laugh thinking about it now, wandering aimlessly around the stage and chewing gum loudly.

Phoenix is on the news, in the papers, all over the entertainment blogs; his popularity is growing and if he is doing this as an elaborate stunt, there is a very good chance that it is working in his favor.