Getting the band back together.


I’ve never had a band, but as an outlet for self expression this is about as close as I’ll get.

I’m happy to say I’m returning to blogging after my little unexplained hiatus. With a new job that for the first month involved a two hour round trip commute, then a move to be closer to said job, I needed a little “alone time” … actually, that’s a lie. I was forced to value the time I didn’t spend in the car or at my desk, and so I used those spare hours to spend time with friends, family and/or the boyfriend; watch episodes of Arrested Development and Psych; and allow my body to adjust to my new schedule.

Work! Glorious work! I do indeed love my job. How many people can say that? I’m using my degree, working in the field I love, and doing something that allows me to exercise my brain. Placing articles on pages is like playing Tetris. It’s awesome. (See, Mom? Those video games finally paid off.)

I decided that, in honor of my illustrious return to WordPress, I would take a little time to write about my favorite topic in the world: search terms.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I continue to be fascinated by the search terms that lead people to my blog. Since I haven’t written in a while, I’m going to cover the search terms from the last 90 days.

Number one, and not really a surprise, is “chicken pot pie.” Thanks to this post, I’m sure. I bet there are a bunch of people searching for chicken pot pie recipes who stumble across my blog and just scratch their heads, wondering who begat this strange creature who thinks her father’s sentimentality is hilarious.

The many incarnations of 110 percent (giving 110 percent, give 110 percent, is it possible to give 110 percent, is 110 percent a number) continue to bring people to my blog. Hopefully they read that post and know that I’m not just some crazy person spouting strange ideas into the blogverse. There’s an intellectual side to me. I think I proved that when I called the whole Joaquin Phoenix fiasco before the movie even came out. (Oh, by the way, I tried to watch the movie and was completely thrown off by his sex scene with a prostitute. Oddly, it wasn’t because he was sleeping with a prostitute; I just know he used to be in good shape, and when he took off his shirt, he had a beer belly. It was so weird. Anyone who has seen Quills knows what I’m talking about.)

Possums seem to be a big draw as well. I did write several posts about possums … baby possums, momma possums, exploding possums. Possum-rama! Possum Fest 2011! Never say anything is im-possum-ible!

A quick rundown of my favorite terms:

  • why is eggplant so expensive, 4 hits (And hopefully they realized it’s because there are so many uses for the purple plant.)
  • glitter, 3 hits (Thanks, Gary!)
  • that’s not nice face, 2 hits (Someone needs to call 1-900-OK-FACE.)
  • what’s another name for the hey song, 2 hits (Another name for the hey song? Try, “The Stadium Anthem Written by a Pedophile.”)
  • cell phone blowing up while in socket, 2 hits (Thank you, readers, for sufficiently terrifying me.)
  • how pickled sausages made, 2 hits (I can’t imagine I’m very far up on the Google search results for this term. This guy — because no way was it a woman searching for this — really must have been digging for recipes.)
  • cream slave, 2 hits (DON’T GOOGLE THIS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MY EYES.)
  • internal monologue middle school examples, 1 hit (Trust me, kid, just write the thing yourself.)
  • kristina ethel webb fart, 1 hit (Awesome. I’m so glad this led someone to my site.)
  • sniff me irish, 1 hit (Dammit you Irish! I told you to sniff me!)
  • people like you never seize to amaze me, 1 hit ( … Likewise.)

And my favorite, which produced one hit:

“hey so sister hey there mrs. glitter on the radio”

I know what this person wanted. I know he or she was looking for this video. And I try to rationalize the gross misunderstanding of lyrics by thinking, “Maybe this person is joking. Maybe they are making fun of this song the way I make fun of the song ‘Bandages’ by Hot Hot Heat by singing, ‘Bags of chips,’ instead of, ‘Bandages.’ … Or maybe they’re just really stupid.”

Either way, lost Train fan, this post is dedicated to you, the lonely wanderer who came here searching for Train and found, instead, a post about Gary Glitter pedophilia.

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7 responses to “Getting the band back together.

  1. Recently I had this as a search term: صور الحصان
    I believe it is Turkish, though I don’t know.
    The search terms always entertain me.
    Congrats on work! Yeah work!

    • I have had one foreign language search term before, and it always has intrigued me. I bet it says something along the lines of, “Possums who give 110 percent while making chicken pot pie.”

      Yes, work is exciting! Work is very good, especially for someone in my field.

      Thank you for coming back to my blog. I was wondering if anyone would stick around. Hopefully I will not disappoint.

  2. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m pretty sure I’m the person behind the “fart” search. I wasn’t sure if it would come up with anything, but I let her rip anyhow. The search was originally 5 words, but I cut one. What a gas!

    • You truly are a wordsmith, my dear, choosing your words with the same care you take with the slight movements you use to let me know you’re passing gas. There’s always a cheek lift. Always.

  3. “Placing articles on pages is like playing Tetris.”
    This is the most awesome thing I’ve read on WP all day. But I’m not a Tetris fiend.

    *cough*

    • Tetris is addicting, and I played it so much when I was little … I really think that’s why I make a good page designer. I could tell a thousand stories about people who just don’t get what it takes, and I come in and picture the articles as little purple squares and blue L’s and suddenly a page appears. Newspaper designers, take note. Haha.

  4. You should participate in a contest for probably the greatest blogs on the web. I’ll suggest this web site!

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