Shut it, Internal Monologue.


Sometimes my train of thought is so weird I don’t like to talk about it. But sometimes it’s hilarious, and I feel like I need to tell everyone.

Usually, any particularly hilarious thoughts are shared with my sister. It tends to go like this:

Me: Hey, remember how my train of thought is always really weird?

Sister: Yeah….

Me: Well, you said that about that song we heard on the radio, that you really like it.

Sister: Yeah….

Me: And that made me think of that one time you had that ring tone for that guy you were dating, and I didn’t like him, so when I heard the ring tone I would scream it at the top of my lungs because I thought it would be like Pavlov’s dog, and you would start to associate him with my shrill voice.

Sister: Yeeeah….

Me: And then I thought about that time we were in the car driving somewhere, and we were singing “Take a Picture” by Filter and at the end of each line I would yell, “Kicking and screaming!”

Sister: **eye roll** Yep.

Me: …

Sister: What?

Me: **cheesy grin**

Sister: Oh n–

Me: KICKING AND SCREAMING!

Here’s an example from yesterday:

1) I put my gym sneakers in the trunk of my car.

2) This makes me think about how I want to buy new running shoes.

3) This makes me think about the time I was trying on shoes at Off Broadway and I tripped and sprained my toe/broke my foot.

4) This makes me think of the time I tripped in front of a guy I really liked when I was out with some friends, and I thought he was going to try to catch me, but he didn’t. He let me fall flat on my face. When I stood up, I looked at him accusingly and said, “Take a picture.”

5) This makes me think of that Filter song again, and by this time I’m already sitting in my car with the engine running, and I’m by myself, so I yell, “Kicking and screaming!”

Voila! Hilarity! Let’s try another one.

1) I really needed to stretch, so I stretched, and when I did I realized that I forgot to put on deodorant. I was “au natural” as someone who speaks that language would say.

2) I remember the first time I used deodorant, when I thought it was supposed to go all over my arms and chest. I smelled like Secret for days.

3) That makes me think of the first time I forgot to wear deodorant. I thought the world would end, but instead everyone just told me I smelled bad.

4) Then I think about the time in high school when I was trying to fit in with people, but they thought I was weird, so I would eat lunch by myself. My mom told me to sit with new people and make conversation with them. I did, and then those kids told people I was OCD because I cleaned up the table when they walked away. (And gave them a really long story about how I don’t eat muffins because they have too many crumbs, but whatevs.)

5) Now I’m sad.

Hahaha! Laughs in a bottle!

I also think of really weird things to say, but then I hold them back. I don’t know if I’m going to do that anymore.

I remember the best weird comeback e’er to pass from between my lips.

Imagine: a middle school hallway. Rows of classroom doors meet the eyes like the barred doors of prison cells. Sad children walk from class to class with blank expressions and heavy backpacks. Many are wet from the rain outside, and as thunder erupts overhead and the doors rattle on their hinges, several children cower, afraid of the roaring tropical storm outside.

Now picture me: completely unprepared for any inclement weather, knowing I’m too cool for middle school, sopping wet and trying to act nonchalant about it.

Aaaaand I slip.

But it’s not just any slip: I slip into a split.

Some kid standing nearby guffaws with laughter, and I, with tears in my eyes, say the sentence of which I am to this day most proud:

“If you think that’s so great, why don’t you just marry a unicorn?”

So this leads me to my next train of thought.

Unicorns: not as nice as we think they are. Every time I try to draw a unicorn, it looks like a horse mated with a triceratops and made some evil, magic wizard-creature.

Unicorns are totally evil. Look at the blood dripping off it, and that stringy hair. Would you trust him with your daughter?

I started out with really good intentions for that drawing. But then the hair got really dirty and stringy (you can’t smell it, but I’m pretty sure that unicorn hasn’t washed its hair in days), and then the blood showed up on the tip of the horn.

All I’m saying is that we need to watch our backs around these guys. I’m pretty sure they’re extremely dangerous. They may not be armed with guns or knives or Chinese throwing stars, but those horns are really pointy and those teeth look pretty sharp.

 

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5 responses to “Shut it, Internal Monologue.

  1. best post ever… i love you and your train of thought 🙂 i know we are related!

  2. I liked the part when you talked about unicorns because they’re pretty much my favorite animal and because they’re so cute and magical and I want to ride one to the Justin Bieber concert and take it backstage and have it impale him with its horn because he sucks.

  3. This is all just a clever viral marketing campaign for SyFy’s TRICERACORN.

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