Migraines are so great!


Just kidding. Migraines suck.

When I start to get a migraine, it’s a horribly unsettling experience. First, my vision becomes blocked by something in my right eye I was told is called a “migraine aura.” There’s a video at that link, and about halfway through you get a really amazing idea of how a migraine aura can make you vomit everywhere.

Oh yeah, so aside from the completely mind-rattling visual aura, I start to get nauseas, and that’s usually when I know the pain is coming soon. At that point, the aura starts to fade. When the aura begins to fade and nausea gallops in, I know the pain is imminent.

That’s when I turn into a slug. Prior to the arrival of the migraine, I’m irritable, cry easily and use words a lady ne’er should utter. When I was in high school, my mom would call me Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde — I would be such a bitch until the migraine arrived.

I like to call myself the migraine slug when I’m in this state. I don’t want to move, think, blink, have exposure to light or move my mouth. Breathing hurts. I just want to sit or lay down, preferably in a quiet, dark place with a blanket over my head.

When I turn into a migraine slug, I hope I will emerge from my blanket cocoon as a beautiful butterfly.

Now you’re wondering how I can make this entire experience hilarious. Well, let me tell you something: my behavior following emergence from the slug-state has been known to be both erratic and worth a $10 admission ticket. Not that anyone has ever paid to watch me wake up. … Or at least I hope they haven’t.

Usually, since whatever food was in my stomach has long since been expelled, I eat a lot of whatever I see. Raisins? Sure. Bagels? Gimme. Dog? … No, not dog. What kind of sick freak do you think I am? (Actually don’t answer that; I know from the search terms that you think I’m a racist pug puncher.)

A lot of times I’m still in a bit of pain, so I yell a lot, and my mouth is usually full. It makes me feel horrible to say it, especially since I have such an aversion to gross eaters. (Chew with your mouths closed, people! Is it too much to ask?!)

Then I feel super energetic. I want to walk five miles or go shopping at the mall five times or write a really long blog post. Aaand here we find our punch line.

I had a migraine last night and experienced all of these symptoms. Although I suppose the funniest part is that it happened at Peter’s house and I tend to get a bit delirious, what with the vomiting and all, so according to him, we had a couple of conversations I don’t remember.

In other news, an article I freelanced was printed yesterday. Read it and tell me what you think. The issue went to print before he was convicted, but the jury found him guilty of second degree murder.

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